Every year when Father’s Day rolls around, I wrack my brain to try to figure out what to get for my dad. He’s not a big sports fan, he doesn’t drink, he doesn’t enjoy reading books, he doesn’t play golf and he doesn’t really enjoy current movies (with swearin’ and stuff). What does he really like? He likes Fox News (this likely deserves a blog entry all its own). He and my mother have recently become NASCAR fans, but it seems that his favorite part is napping during the 7 million laps leading up to the final lap. He’s napping, while they’re lapping.
It all boils down to this: my dad loves National Geographics. I’m not talking the TV channel or National Geographic in just any form (I bought him National Geographic DVD’s with digital copies of every issue, not the same). I’m talking about the old, funny smelling, brown-paper sleeved, glossy, ink and paper magazines, with lots of maps of faraway places and photos of naked people in Africa. This magazine is like crack to my dad. He has collected them longer than I have been alive (that’s 43 years, for those of you keeping score). He has EVERY issue since the 1930’s and a few from the early 1900’s. We have scoured through many a used book store and backwoods yard sale, looking for old National Geographics. He made a chart indicating which issues he owns and their condition, and handed them out to family members. This is serious stuff, people.
I can remember going to get the mail and knowing that if you saw that brown wrapper in the mail, you had an awesome responsibility on your hands. This was the Holy Grail of mail. It didn’t matter what occurred on the trek up our long driveway through the woods, that magazine had best arrive in mint condition. If approached by a pack of wild dogs, don’t fend them off with the National Geographic or drop it and run, as this could affect your inheritance.
On the flip side, the National Geographic addiction could be used against him. My mother always said if he left her for another woman, she would take his National Geographics out and burn them in the yard. This seems to have been duly noted, since my parents have been together nearly 50 years. Any time our belongings needed purging my mother would threaten to sacrifice the collection of his beloved magazines and suddenly other things were found that he could part with. Occasionally, my mom will mention that if he has to go in the nursing home or passes away before she does, that she will just throw out all of his National Geographics. I believe that will be the reason he lives forever.
Ultimately, I think the National Geographics are going to be our saving grace. I’ve already told my mother, that when they go to the nursing home/assisted living, I will have to warn her caretakers that she is going to be the difficult one (I’ll be whispering “control freak”). She will have very specific demands for everything, from what kind of bread she will eat to making sure she is wearing cute shoes. I have assured my father that I will make sure he has his recliner and is surrounded by his National Geographics. He smiled and said that would make him happy.
If only everything in the world could be solved with a subscription to National Geographic, we could all live happily ever after. Just like my dad.
