I was laid up with a case of strep throat this weekend. This was the first time I’ve been sick in 5 years or so. This brought to mind the ailments of my childhood and my father’s subsequent cure for everything. As far as my father is concerned, Pepto-Bismol is the answer to anything that ails you. Upset stomach, ingrown toenail, severe head wound, bad attitude; it doesn’t matter, Pepto will take care of it all and make the world right again. The problem is, I cannot stand the taste, sight, sound or thought of Pepto-Bismol. Wintergreen is the most vile flavor ever. If someone is eating wintergreen mints anywhere near me, in time or space, I have to hold my breath. I won’t even go skiing at Wintergreen Resort, that’s how severe my aversion to wintergreen is. One time, I wasn’t feeling good and my mother wasn’t home, which left my Pepto-loving father in charge. So, of course, my father was insistent that I take some of the flamingo pink toxin. In his zeal for the wonder-drug, he made me take 2 heaping tablespoons of it. Naturally, it made me sick. I reported this information back to my father who became insistent that I had gotten sick on purpose and wasn’t giving the Pepto-Bismol time to work. So he made me take 2 more huge tablespoons full (they may as well have been ladles). My mother arrived home as I was getting sick off of the second monster dose. Thankfully, my mother hates Pepto-Bismol as much as I do and put a stop to the madness.
We also took a lot of St. Joseph orange-flavored baby aspirin, to which I attribute my distaste for all things citrus. I also remember receiving Paregoric, which is basically powdered opium and no longer available over-the-counter. I believe it was black licorice-flavored, but as far as I was concerned, it tasted like gasoline. My mother once asked how I knew what gasoline tasted like. I told her I didn’t, but I would be willing to try it, as it couldn’t be any worse than that medicine. My brother and I would both feel better at the mere mention of Paregoric. That threat became the litmus test as to how sick we really were.
While I suppose that these medicines are still far better than the castor oil and gunpowder my dad took as a kid, I tend to be a bit more discriminating with my choice in medicines now. I love the grape Triaminic cough medicine and have wondered why they don’t make the adult version in grape. Then it occurred to me that I’ve answered my own question. I suppose it is a bit too tasty and thus more easily abused by not-so-responsible adults. I also get the mega-sized jar of Flintstones vitamins, as nothing starts your day better than a purple Dino. I just have to fight the urge to not eat them like candy. This leads me to admit that there does seem to be some merit in making medicine have an undesirable taste. After all, if Paregoric was grape-flavored, you would have one big opium addict on your hands right now. But I’m sure Pepto-Bismol cures that, too.
